December 31, 2009

• Dulcius ex asperis (sweeter after difficulty)

  

  I really do love New York. Even more so now that my wonderful friends and family have helped me reclaim it. There’s no place on earth like it. I’m also discovering that one of my favorite sounds is the voice of male New Yorkers. Tres sexy.

  Something else I discovered. After six plus years, I finally figured out what held me to Tom through so much difficulty and pain. It felt like love, but it showed all the signs of addiction; the hangover, the anger, regret, and the hint of shame each time I returned to the relationship only to have it fall apart again. And every time I’m sure I’m over him something he says or does indicates I’m certainly not. Sure, my feelings are not in the same place they once were… but I am not as clear of him as I thought. Like a smoker who no longer enjoys their cigarette but lights up anyway… I have developed a habit with Tom. Like one does with nicotine or alcohol or heroin. And like with the use of heroin there were many euphoric times. (I’m not an idiot. I had my reasons for returning.) It’s easy to become addicted. I tell you it’s easy to fall in love with the ecstasy. But like any honest junkie (now, there’s an oxymoron) could tell you… you may for a time fall in love with heroin… but no exceptions… heroin loves no one.

  So Christmas has past and New Year’s eve is here. What are my big plans… well let’s see.

  1. I got a gorgeous Christmas tree yesterday (the last one of its kind in that store). Tom hated Christmas. I may never enjoy Tom’s company, but I will always from now on enjoy Christmas (Thanks Liz). Originally 250.00 … I paid $65.00 because of a 75% markdown at Target. I may go back today for some snowflakes.
  2. I’m painting my kitchen cabinets white. I’m not doing a terrible job. There isn’t paint all over the floor. On the other hand, I’m practically covered in paint and look like a snowman.
  3. I’ll probably go down the block tonight with my room mate and his friends to a pretty cool neighborhood bar. I better finished #2 on my goals as it’s likely Jeff’s friends will be overnight guests. (That would mean getting off this blog.)
  4. I just signed up for a writing class at Butler University. I have been thinking about it for a very long time. I finally got the nerve. It’s nothing serious. Just one night. I can always sign up for more if I think I can keep up. Butler has a very prestigious program and one marvelous guest speaker program. Amy Tan (Joy Luck Club); Seamus Heaney (Beowolf) and Kurt Vonnegut, Jr
  (who unfortunately died the day before his speaking engagement…bastard ). Anyway, well see if I can cut it with writing. Truth is I’m terrified to find out.
  5. Only one New Year’s resolution: Going forward… I treat Tom like an addiction and not like an ex. I think he’s earned the distinction.

  Good Riddance 2009. Hey 2010, try not to be so difficult, ok. Tonight, a blue moon will be rising. It is supposed to mean a good decade coming. Let’s hope so. Be safe everyone!

  Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not, remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.- Epicurus

  • 3:31 pm
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